“Mom, Dad, I quit!”

A sentence parents hate to hear. Somehow these words are never about activities that parents want their kids to quit, like picking on a sibling or leaving their clothes all over the floor.

Instead, they want to quit activities they find difficult. Inevitably, these are activities that help them learn and grow in some way – math homework, playing a musical instrument, even learning how to ride their bike. When the going gets tough … they’re ready to quit. 

As a parent, what do you say to that? Do you let your child off the hook? Do the task for them? Tell them they can’t quit?

Parents all over the world have used variations on these options. Unfortunately, they’ve found that there are drawbacks to each one:

• The more you let your child off the hook, the sooner they’re ready to quit the next time. Perseverance is like a muscle. It has to be exercised.
• The more you do for your child, the more “helpless” they get. It’s not that they truly can’t do it. It’s just easier to get Mom or Dad to do it. 
• The more you refuse to let them quit, the more you set up a battle of wills that’s not about quitting or sticking it out. It’s about whether they do it Mom and Dad’s way or make up their own mind. Hint: Kids, like adults, will almost always prefer to up their own mind.

As a parent, you don’t want to spend your life fighting with your child over whether they’re going to finish what they’ve started. You also don’t want to end up doing the work that your child should be doing. You need a solution that doesn’t add to your stress or workload. At the same time, you want to teach your child valuable life lessons that will lead to success.

It sounds like a tall order, and it is. But by following a set of steps calmly and consistently, you can help your child work through the problem that is making them want to quit.

Step 1: Ask why? Ask your child what makes her want to quit. Don’t be confrontational or judgmental. Just be honestly curious about her reasoning.

Step 2: Listen without saying anything. This may be the hardest step. Let your child tell you what’s upsetting her. It may sound silly to you, like when your child wants to quit playing basketball because she had an argument with her best friend on the team. It may even just amount to, “It’s hard!” Whatever the reason, let her get it off her chest.  

Most of the time, quitting isn’t really about not doing the activity anymore. It’s about being frustrated with a problem. If the two of you can find a solution to the problem, she won’t want to quit the activity anymore.

Occasionally, she’ll have a good reason for wanting to quit. She might be overwhelmed by trying to do too many activities and need to scale back. She might have lost interest and need some time away from the activity.  By listening to her, you can address the real problem behind the desire to quit. 

Step 3: Ask her to think of at least three options she could use to solve the problem she mentioned in Step 2. She’ll probably offer “I can quit” as a solution. Note it down, then prompt her for more options. As much as possible, let her come up with her own solutions. If she seems stuck, offer a couple of suggestions.

Step 4: Ask her what the consequences would be if she quit, and what they would be if she tried her other solutions. Which consequences does she like better? 

Step 5: Have her come up with a plan. Your goal is to have her make a reasoned decision after considering the different outcomes instead of reacting out of frustration, anger, or boredom.

It might be that she’s had enough time to calm down at this point and doesn’t want to change anything. She may just have needed to vent. On the other hand, it might be that she wants to try one of the solutions she came up with.

She might even decide quitting is the best solution. Don’t automatically reject this solution. Consider it on a case-by-case basis. For some activities, such as doing homework, you have to make a judgment call whether you completely take quitting off the table as an option or allow her to suffer the “natural consequences” of not doing the task. In the case of homework, this might include bad grades, detentions, or missing activities at school. You might also consider whether quitting should be an option when it affects other people. For example, quitting a major part in a play might or might not be an option you’re willing to allow depending on the reason for quitting and how likely it is that the part can be recast.

Step 6: Let her follow her plan and experience the consequences. A few days or weeks later, talk to her about how it worked out and if she’d do anything differently. Again, be interested but not judgmental.

Like any lesson, you’ll probably have to repeat these steps many times before your child starts coming up with better solutions than “I quit!” on their own. However, each time you’re reinforcing skills they’ll be able to use their whole life. Perhaps most importantly, you’ll give them tools they can use to avoid being “a quitter.”